elaby | Creativity and wanting

Feel free to ignore any "woe!" undertones present in the below; just writing it down yesterday made me feel a lot better, and I think the tone is a little overly serious reading it over now XD

The new year is always a time of mixed feelings for me. On the one hand, it gives me a culturally-sanctioned opportunity to "start over" and change things about my life that I want to change; on the other, though, is the knowledge that I've never kept one "New Year's Resolution" that I ever made. Maybe the problem is in the term "resolution" that

coastal_spirit pointed out in her recent post – it doesn't allow room for failure or for making great progress but not attaining your exact resolution. Though it's an arbitrarily chosen date, the start of the year gives me a good reason to make changes, but there's always the doubt that I simply won't.

And what do I want to change? That word "want" needs a lot of unpacking. I "want" to write and draw and make dolly clothes and contribute creatively to humankind. One would think that if I wanted to do these things, I would spend my free time doing them, rather than surfing the internet and watching television and reading books. What's free time for if not for doing what you want? But instead of doing what I say I want to do – create things – I consume other people's creative things.

I think current culture (at least the indy-crafty-geeky culture I chose to participate in, and possibly popular culture on the whole) elevates uniqueness and personal creativity above observation. I do, even though I know I shouldn't. I'm trying to change that perception for myself. I mean, logically, if there were no one who was interested in consuming other people's creative works, there would be no audience. This would be fine if the creator created solely for the joy of creating and cared nothing for how their creation was received and enjoyed by others, but I don't know many people like that. In my experience, many people who create do so at least partially to enjoy the reaction and community of their audience. Audiences are a necessary part of this equation. So why do I beat myself up about only consuming and never creating? I leave feedback on writing and art and photography that I like. I let people know when their work touches me. This is important, but I have a hard time seeing that.

I think there are two main reasons that I observe more than I create:
- I get a lot of pleasure out of other people's creative works
- Consuming takes a shload less work than creating

I have no trouble accepting the first reason as valid. The love I have for other people's work – LotR, Madoka, Sam Vimes, Mumford & Sons' music – is often stronger than the love I have even for my most beloved characters. I can't change this; it's just how I am. But consuming all of these creative works makes me yearn to create things as well. I love to consume them, and to squee about them and to create fanworks about them, but they also make me want to create things that are my own. And that's where reason number two comes in. A good half of the time, when I get on the internet, it's not because I'm super excited to go read, research, or view something specific. It's because I can't face the thought of actually having to put out ideas rather than receive them. I research obsessively; sometimes my brain feels like a big hungry vacuum cleaner whose bag never gets full. I learn and learn because learning gives me joy, but most of the time I don't get around to doing anything with what I learn. The problem is that I want to – my reason for researching is usually some creative plan – but I never do.

"Want" is such a strange word to use, because it includes intention in its definition. When you say "I want to go to the store because I want a cookie," people who hear you understand that, yeah, you actually intend to go to the store if you're able and eat that cookie when you get it. When it comes to objects, I normally just don't want things as strongly other people I know do. But when I "want" to do creative things, I also know that, owing to experience, chances are I won't ever actually do whatever it is. I think "yearn" has a more accurate connotation for what I feel.

So here's the master list of things I'd like to do differently, or do at all, to be updated whenever I get ideas. This isn't a "I resolve to..." kind of list, but more like a way to keep track and remind myself of the things I want to make an effort to do.

- Meditate daily. No, really, Katie, I mean it this time. If daily doesn't work, try as often per week as possible. I know it makes me feel better, so there's no reason not to.
- Start writing the Eadswith and Deue story. Research is all well and good, but books don't get written without actual writing taking place.
- Draw more. Whatever I want, no obligations of quality required.
- Participate in mori girl fashion, whether it be through my own clothes, doll clothes, drawing, or just looking at pictures online.
- Keep track of what I eat. Counting points using iTrackBites, an iPhone app, seems to be holding my attention well. Even if I don't stay within my points, just keeping track helps me lose weight and feel healthier.
- Keep up with the laundry, dishes, and tidying.