Creativity and wanting

[elaby]

Feel free to ignore any "woe!" undertones present in the below; just writing it down yesterday made me feel a lot better, and I think the tone is a little overly serious reading it over now XD

The new year is always a time of mixed feelings for me. On the one hand, it gives me a culturally-sanctioned opportunity to "start over" and change things about my life that I want to change; on the other, though, is the knowledge that I've never kept one "New Year's Resolution" that I ever made. Maybe the problem is in the term "resolution" that coastal_spirit pointed out in her recent post – it doesn't allow room for failure or for making great progress but not attaining your exact resolution. Though it's an arbitrarily chosen date, the start of the year gives me a good reason to make changes, but there's always the doubt that I simply won't.

And what do I want to change? That word "want" needs a lot of unpacking. I "want" to write and draw and make dolly clothes and contribute creatively to humankind. One would think that if I wanted to do these things, I would spend my free time doing them, rather than surfing the internet and watching television and reading books. What's free time for if not for doing what you want? But instead of doing what I say I want to do – create things – I consume other people's creative things.

I think current culture (at least the indy-crafty-geeky culture I chose to participate in, and possibly popular culture on the whole) elevates uniqueness and personal creativity above observation. I do, even though I know I shouldn't. I'm trying to change that perception for myself. I mean, logically, if there were no one who was interested in consuming other people's creative works, there would be no audience. This would be fine if the creator created solely for the joy of creating and cared nothing for how their creation was received and enjoyed by others, but I don't know many people like that. In my experience, many people who create do so at least partially to enjoy the reaction and community of their audience. Audiences are a necessary part of this equation. So why do I beat myself up about only consuming and never creating? I leave feedback on writing and art and photography that I like. I let people know when their work touches me. This is important, but I have a hard time seeing that.

I think there are two main reasons that I observe more than I create:
- I get a lot of pleasure out of other people's creative works
- Consuming takes a shload less work than creating

I have no trouble accepting the first reason as valid. The love I have for other people's work – LotR, Madoka, Sam Vimes, Mumford & Sons' music – is often stronger than the love I have even for my most beloved characters. I can't change this; it's just how I am. But consuming all of these creative works makes me yearn to create things as well. I love to consume them, and to squee about them and to create fanworks about them, but they also make me want to create things that are my own. And that's where reason number two comes in. A good half of the time, when I get on the internet, it's not because I'm super excited to go read, research, or view something specific. It's because I can't face the thought of actually having to put out ideas rather than receive them. I research obsessively; sometimes my brain feels like a big hungry vacuum cleaner whose bag never gets full. I learn and learn because learning gives me joy, but most of the time I don't get around to doing anything with what I learn. The problem is that I want to – my reason for researching is usually some creative plan – but I never do.

"Want" is such a strange word to use, because it includes intention in its definition. When you say "I want to go to the store because I want a cookie," people who hear you understand that, yeah, you actually intend to go to the store if you're able and eat that cookie when you get it. When it comes to objects, I normally just don't want things as strongly other people I know do. But when I "want" to do creative things, I also know that, owing to experience, chances are I won't ever actually do whatever it is. I think "yearn" has a more accurate connotation for what I feel.


So here's the master list of things I'd like to do differently, or do at all, to be updated whenever I get ideas. This isn't a "I resolve to..." kind of list, but more like a way to keep track and remind myself of the things I want to make an effort to do.

- Meditate daily. No, really, Katie, I mean it this time. If daily doesn't work, try as often per week as possible. I know it makes me feel better, so there's no reason not to.
- Start writing the Eadswith and Deue story. Research is all well and good, but books don't get written without actual writing taking place.
- Draw more. Whatever I want, no obligations of quality required.
- Participate in mori girl fashion, whether it be through my own clothes, doll clothes, drawing, or just looking at pictures online.
- Keep track of what I eat. Counting points using iTrackBites, an iPhone app, seems to be holding my attention well. Even if I don't stay within my points, just keeping track helps me lose weight and feel healthier.
- Keep up with the laundry, dishes, and tidying.

Comments

[avocado-wish.livejournal.com]

Those sounds like good resolutions. I should meditate daily myself. I'm very irregular about it, even though it always makes me feel better.

Getting books actually written can be hard. Believe me, I know! Keep it up! Have you ever read the book "The Artist's Way"? There's a lot of good advice in there.

[elaby.livejournal.com]

I haven't, but I think I've had it recommended to me before, so I really should read it! Thank you :) It's good to hear that from an author!

[elaineofshalott]

Research is all well and good, but books don't get written without actual writing taking place.

So. Flipping. True. I have struggled with this fact for years--part of it's that I'm putting off writing, so I hide in the research, and part of it is that I don't feel I have enough authority/knowledge to write about something--even something fictional--unless I know everything there is to know about it. I think I'm getting better, though, at kicking myself into just actually sitting down and writing something. I tell myself that I have to get to the end of the thing (play, story, poem) before I can go back to the beginning and make it good (in whatever way I am fearing that whatever I write won't be 'good').

Good luck to us!

[elaby.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's how I always feel too! I need to know what kind of shoes people in late 5th century England wore if I'm going to accurately describe their lives! Eh heh. I think the advice of "write a draft and then worry about accuracy" is very useful. We can do it!

[astillac.livejournal.com]

I've never actually managed to meditate. My brain won't shut up and I -previously had difficulty with- sitting through the shifting. I'm going to be working on this as well this year, so we'll be in it together. Good luck! <3

[elaby.livejournal.com]

Thank you! <3 My primary physician is all about meditation, and he told me to just accept that I'd be having thoughts and not to be discouraged by them, but just acknowledge and dismiss them as they come. It's still hard, though! And we can do it!

[astillac.livejournal.com]

Wah, I miss you! We can do it! *little cheer*

[elaby.livejournal.com]

Baw, I miss you too! *hugsquish* We CAN do it!

[minyan.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I hear you. There's a set of things, like getting exercise, that always make me feel better when I do them... more awake and aware and good about myself ... and take some effort to get started. Over the holidays, my brother was getting ready to go running, and I teased him about it, and he said "whenever I feel as though I don't want to do anything, that's a good sign that I should do something." I'm trying to keep that in mind, so when I wake up to a snow flurry and think it's a good morning for a walk in the park, I actually take one, even a short one. Wishing you music and dancing anc company and joy!
Love you guys

[elaby.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you so much :) Sometimes it's so hard to do things that are good for you even though you know they'll help. A walk in the park during a snowstorm sounds really awesome to me :)

[coastal-spirit.livejournal.com]

Good list. ♥

Real life often gets in the way of creativity, on many levels. I think that being an observer/consumer of creativity and enjoying things that others make is fine, if that's what makes you happy. I know from experience that I personally don’t enjoy the creative process as much as I do the final product, whether it's the product of my own creativity or someone else's. I've often struggled with that, and sometimes I still do, but most of the time I feel as if I've come to terms with it.

And that ended up being all about me, and I didn't mean it to. I do realize that your yearning to create is on a different level than mine because you enjoy the process. *hugs*