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Last night when ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
caitirin and I were talking about looking for a house and the various stresses we've been under the past couple of weeks, and I said that I thought life was always going to be disappointing. It sounds way more cynical and hopeless than I meant it; I meant more that adult life is never going to meet my childhood and teenage expectations and I should therefore adjust those expectations. And caitirin said to me that she wants me to want something, like the way she wants a new spinning wheel or pretty yarn. And it's true, I don't want things the same way some people do. I wish I did. It's more that I yearn for the idea of something - being a writer or an animator or a Vocaloid song producer - but I absolutely don't have the drive it takes to accomplish any of these things. And I wonder if I might truly value the things I'd have to sacrifice (i.e. my non-work hours) more than the possible result of that yearning.
I'm a published author, even if it's only one short story that's been published. I ask myself, is one published story enough? And it honestly might be. I'm not certain that I want or need other people to read my full-length stories. Maybe just finishing one and self-publishing a hard copy and having it on my shelf would be good.
I think people in our culture (or maybe humanity in general) have an ingrained desire to change the world, to make lives better, especially those of people they don't know (why having an impact on strangers is deemed more significant than on friends and family I'm not sure). What is "significant" is really subjective, and I'm torn a lot of the time between thinking I should be doing "significant" things, whatever that means, and doing what I want, which is most often playing video games or watching anime or anything else that I find enjoyable but doesn't leave an impact on other people.
I love that I have a story published, and I feel fulfilled when people enjoy my writing and my art. But I don't actually have a lot of interest in looking up reviews of A Study in Lavender to see what people think of it. I don't know why. I really think I'd need more drive than I have if I wanted to get any stories with characters of my own published. This idea doesn't send me into despair; I might be entirely okay with it.
The only thing I can think of that I'm not ever apathetic about, as I am about drawing and writing sometimes, is Japanese. Translating is the only activity that I'll get annoyed if I have to interrupt for basic human needs like eating. And at the same time that it brings out my little-used motivation, I also find it ridiculously freaking frustrating.
Sometimes I feel like all the motivation and energy I have is used up in going to work and seeing friends. And work is, you know, I have to go to work, and I like doing things with friends, but it still takes so much energy. I have the kind of constitution (as the Victorians would say) that finds being with other people draining even if I'm having an awesome time. This is something I'm ashamed of, because it sounds like I'm saying I don't like being with my friends or that I'd rather be doing something else, which isn't true. It just takes energy, and it doesn't "unwind" me, as it were. I can't change this, and I think it's unhealthy for me to try (because I've tried in the past). I just have to know my limits.
Figuring out what's good for me (and then doing it) has been a large part of my anti-anxiety campaign, and I wonder if it would be better for my mental well-being to push for lofty goals or to accept that lofty goals may not be for me. I haven't come to a conclusion, but writing this out this morning did make me feel better.
caitirin and I were talking about looking for a house and the various stresses we've been under the past couple of weeks, and I said that I thought life was always going to be disappointing. It sounds way more cynical and hopeless than I meant it; I meant more that adult life is never going to meet my childhood and teenage expectations and I should therefore adjust those expectations. And caitirin said to me that she wants me to want something, like the way she wants a new spinning wheel or pretty yarn. And it's true, I don't want things the same way some people do. I wish I did. It's more that I yearn for the idea of something - being a writer or an animator or a Vocaloid song producer - but I absolutely don't have the drive it takes to accomplish any of these things. And I wonder if I might truly value the things I'd have to sacrifice (i.e. my non-work hours) more than the possible result of that yearning.I'm a published author, even if it's only one short story that's been published. I ask myself, is one published story enough? And it honestly might be. I'm not certain that I want or need other people to read my full-length stories. Maybe just finishing one and self-publishing a hard copy and having it on my shelf would be good.
I think people in our culture (or maybe humanity in general) have an ingrained desire to change the world, to make lives better, especially those of people they don't know (why having an impact on strangers is deemed more significant than on friends and family I'm not sure). What is "significant" is really subjective, and I'm torn a lot of the time between thinking I should be doing "significant" things, whatever that means, and doing what I want, which is most often playing video games or watching anime or anything else that I find enjoyable but doesn't leave an impact on other people.
I love that I have a story published, and I feel fulfilled when people enjoy my writing and my art. But I don't actually have a lot of interest in looking up reviews of A Study in Lavender to see what people think of it. I don't know why. I really think I'd need more drive than I have if I wanted to get any stories with characters of my own published. This idea doesn't send me into despair; I might be entirely okay with it.
The only thing I can think of that I'm not ever apathetic about, as I am about drawing and writing sometimes, is Japanese. Translating is the only activity that I'll get annoyed if I have to interrupt for basic human needs like eating. And at the same time that it brings out my little-used motivation, I also find it ridiculously freaking frustrating.
Sometimes I feel like all the motivation and energy I have is used up in going to work and seeing friends. And work is, you know, I have to go to work, and I like doing things with friends, but it still takes so much energy. I have the kind of constitution (as the Victorians would say) that finds being with other people draining even if I'm having an awesome time. This is something I'm ashamed of, because it sounds like I'm saying I don't like being with my friends or that I'd rather be doing something else, which isn't true. It just takes energy, and it doesn't "unwind" me, as it were. I can't change this, and I think it's unhealthy for me to try (because I've tried in the past). I just have to know my limits.
Figuring out what's good for me (and then doing it) has been a large part of my anti-anxiety campaign, and I wonder if it would be better for my mental well-being to push for lofty goals or to accept that lofty goals may not be for me. I haven't come to a conclusion, but writing this out this morning did make me feel better.
