Mei introspection

[elaby]

About three pages of it.

Mei's gonna keeeeeeeell me.

But
I don't care, because she needed to be picked at. She used to be too
new to know anything about, and she wouldn't let me poke at her brains,
but now... bwaaahahaha!

This is kind of... a companion piece to
the bit caitirin wrote about how Cai's developing a crush on Mei. I'd been
thinking, after she said that, that I needed to write some stuff about
Mei to get her a little bit more straightened out in my own head, but I
couldn't think of a format to do it in. It didn't occur to me that I
could just write about it, here, instead of having to make up some
situation in-character. I've been reading some of the chat logs that RC
and I've done with Mei and Cai, and it just keeps getting clearer.





Ah,
Mei and relationships. First off, I think she's been harboring some
kind of feelings for Cai for a long time now; at least, as long as
they've known each other out-of-character. In character, Mei has only
known Cai for a little while, but she's already starting to view her as
something really extraordinary. Mei was very impressed, if there isn't
another stronger word for it, that Cai even survived what the Elders
did to her. The strength of will that someone would have to have to
withstand that is close to inconceivable to Mei. At the time, she knew
Cai would survive the minute she laid eyes on her - if she had lived
that long, it was obvious she was made of something tougher than
regular vampires. Mei's only gotten to talk to her a couple times after
that, but she can already see that Cai is an incredibly strong person,
and that's something Mei admires greatly. It also doesn't hurt that Cai
is blonde. Mei has always been fascinated by blonde hair. And I can
imagine Mei being attracted to Cai, both her personality and the way
she looks, right from the start... but obviously she would never pursue
such a thing that quickly.

Mei has had a history of unrequited
love, as absolutely silly as that sounds, and although her past
relationships haven't been as painful as Cai's, she has sort of evolved
into a way of thinking which wouldn't be shaken easily. When Mei was in
France (I swear I had a timeline for her somewhere. I figured out when
she was born, I really did), she lived as a boy and was a squire to a
Marquis in Aquitaine. After living there for a while, she fell in love
with the Marquise, who was very beautiful and kind to her, and was also
blonde. However, Mei never told her how she felt, and the Marquise
never found out that Mei wasn't a boy. Mei left France to return to
Japan to fight against the rebels before the restoration of the
emperor, and she never had the chance (or would allow herself the
chance) to let the Marquise know her true feelings. At the time, she
thought it was the right thing to do - after all, how could a female,
Japanese vampire and an already married French noblewoman possibly have
a relationship? Mei also knew that the Marquise wasn't attracted to
women, an obvious problem. Now, Mei wishes she'd told her Marquise how
she felt; even if they couldn't possibly be together, which she was
sure of and had come to terms with, at least she would have known. She
would have thought it nothing more than the enamored confession of a
squire boy, but she would have known nonetheless. And now, after living
through the Bakamatsu and after all her work in Mandala, Mei realizes
how important it is to tell people things before you lose them. Which,
ultimately, I think would be the reason why she might ever tell Cai how
she feels.

Because Mei does feel things for Cai. Early on, she
saw Cai and thought she was incredible and beautiful, and she teased
her about how pretty she was in a kimono and gave her juice and was an
available ear when Cai wanted to talk. Mei treats Cai differently than
Simon does, because Mei is more like Cai. Simon doesn't feel like his
emotions are something to be ashamed about, even though he and Cai can
get along very well when they're both in a "fuck everything" mood.
Simon will tell Cai exactly what she needs to hear, even if she doesn't
want to hear it, and when she doesn't need to be told these things, he
backs off. He doesn't placate her. Mei doesn't placate her either, but
she's less blunt about it. She understands better that Cai doesn't like
showing emotion because she thinks it makes her weak, whereas Simon
knows that Cai feels that way, but doesn't understand the feeling
himself. Wow, this is getting way tangent-y... Anyway, Mei may have
felt something initially for Cai, but she immediately put those
feelings down. She knew Cai had had relationships that ended badly, and
from the things they talked about, it seemed that Cai would never want
to get into another relationship again. And once more, Mei thought that
Cai didn't like girls, so it was pointless to pursue anything. She's
used to liking someone without them knowing, and just having to put
that in the background. She figured she'd never have a chance with Cai,
the way she is and the way Cai is, so she just gave up on the idea and
focused on being as good a friend to Cai as she could.

Mei has
only had one long-term relationship in her life. In the 1940's, she
fell in love with a club singer name Rosemary. Rosemary got involved in
some of Mei's work at Mandala, by accident, and had to be told about
vampires and Mandala's goal of helping purebloods who are being
oppressed and experimented on. They stayed in contact and Mei found
herself drawn to this woman, watching her shows, listening to her sing,
and she fell in love with her. They were together for almost five years
before it ended, and they were living together for three of them. Mei
was living at Mandala before that, and they got an apartment away from
the complex. Rosemary was a bright, intelligent, independent woman, but
after five years she just couldn't handle being involved with a vampire
any longer. She was used to the night life, being a club singer, but
she couldn't take giving Mei up to an organization that could possibly
get her killed, and which killed other people, every time she went to
work. She couldn't handle the idea that Mei was going to go on being
pretty and young forever, and she was going to get old and die. Mei was
also not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. Owing to the
fact that she'd been essentially incognito for most of her life,
between her time as a squire in France and her stints in Japan when she
lived as a man, she developed into a very emotionally distant person.
She doesn't completely act like it, not when she's being casual, but
she doesn't really ever talk about her own feelings in any seriousness.
She never angsted about things that happened in her past when she was
with Rosemary, but for all the fun they had and as much as she really
loved her, Mei never opened up to her. She wouldn't let herself think
about how Rosemary might die and she'd be left without her, but
Rosemary seemed to think this was an important issue, and they fought
about it a lot. Eventually, Rosemary broke it off and left, and Mei
moved into another apartment away from Mandala. She was very "I didn't
need her anyway" after it happened, and she never really dealt with it,
and she still hasn't. But it was so long ago that by now, it's faded,
and it doesn't give her much trouble.

The fact that Cai is also
a vampire probably has a lot to do with the things Mei has started to
feel for her. She feels like Cai can understand, and they often have
conversations about vampiric memory, about how they both live for so
long and people around them die, and whether they missed their chance
at happiness. Mei doesn't have any problem talking about this with Cai,
because when it's happened, it's been Cai bringing it up. I don't know
what it would take for Mei to bring it up, but chances are she probably
will feel more comfortable doing so in the future. She feels like she
can tell Cai things, and since Cai has a similar feeling about how one
should control one's emotions, she won't think poorly of Mei for
anything she says. This is a mutual thing, which relieves Mei of
feeling like some kind of emotional leech. It's very good for both of
them, and I think it will end up being so.